Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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