I just cut my nipple shaving
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
