Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
