Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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