my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Randomize
