Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Someone shattered a urinal.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
