If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
