what day is it and did you see me today?
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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