the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
