Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
