I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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