I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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