I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
