how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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