I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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