Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
there is puke in my bra ... again
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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