so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
