I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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