cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
