I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
