I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
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