ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
