My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
two words: eviction party
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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