I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
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