You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Randomize
