either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
i came on her dog
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Just invented taco cereal.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
