Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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