I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I need moral support for this bender
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
