So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
