i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
