I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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