I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
