Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
