girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
