I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Randomize
