now i know why i became what i already was.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize