It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
