First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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