I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
