hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
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