Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
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