I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
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