nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
