I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Randomize
