my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
