it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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