My nipple is on Facebook.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
