I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
It's official drugs can't kill me
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
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