dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
