call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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