all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
