she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize