Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
