if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
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