i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
