the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Randomize
