My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
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