I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
